Thursday, November 5, 2009

Okay, finally got it to paste. Took me an hour and I had to go to edit html or something. Not sure what the heck is wrong.

If you see any glaring errors, or think somethings wrong, feel free to tell me. Remember, rough draft :)

Jaren shaded his eyes as he scanned the thick forest surrounding his home. Cerisa, his daughter, would be home, her dragon with her. He looked over at Kyle. Kyle may have donated his genes, but it was Jaren who had loved her and raised her. Kyle would kill her as soon as look at her. Jaren couldn’t allow her to walk into the den of murderers the clearing had turned into. Despite the training he had given her and her magic, she wasn’t ready for a fight of this magnitude.

He had to finish it before she returned. He could not allow Cerisa to go through the same trauma her mother had suffered. He lifted his sword holding it straight up and close to his body. He respired as he focused on his enemy.

“I am ready to die.”

He ran forward on the right side of the horse, slicing at Kyle’s neck. He missed. Kyle thrust his sword down through Jared’s left shoulder, pushing deep as Jared looked up at him.

“Your daughter will take the throne and you will die by her hand. Then all of Riverhand will be free.” Jaren’s words rasped at Kyle. Kyle looked stunned and fearful for the last moment of Jaren’s death. Then he dismissed the words of the dying man, signaled to his men. He turned his horse and they left in a thunder of hooves and metal.

1 comment:

  1. Grammatically, 4th sentence needs a lot of work. I would break into two sentences and change "had loved her and raised her" to either "loved her and raised her" or "had loved her and had raised her" (improper syntax). 2nd sentence, just sounds like a grocery list-too many commas and would probably stand to be reworked. Finally, the sentence "Kyle looked stunned and fearful for the last moment of Jaren's death." Its telling, not showing. I'm not getting the pathos that your other works have brought out. Overall, good... but like you said, rough draft. Am looking forward to seeing it polished up